DYING

If I had a picture to describe how I'm feeling now, it would be filled with hard lines of black randomness that covers the whole area. But surprisingly, all the details and independent strokes will all still be visible, cos it adds and piles up in layers. And til the end, that's what you get.

I remembered this lecturer in poly told us this story of a king who wants to experiment with babies and summoned the parents of 5 newborn babies to not have interaction and face-to-face time with their infants at all. All they were to do were to make sure they are fed and kept alive. And within a period of time, the babies died.

Although I'm almost 18 already, I feel I'm slowly dying inside too. I hope for interaction time with my parents, but somehow nothing comes out. I feel like a tenant living in this flat with landlords who provides meals on a daily basis.

Or am I PMS-ing? I need Isabel to diagnose me.

Been at home all day and the only communication I get is from the TV. It's not even an effective communication, just a one-way, that's all.

I don't know what's wrong, but I don't feel like talking at all/anymore. I miss ahma's. Somehow I feel more of a sense of belonging there. I have people who asks if I'm fine if I'm not talking, and when I complain, I got advice, but not blind judgements that will make me feel worser.

I was talking(more of moaning) to mom after I came back from ahma's the other day of how I
just realised that the play assignment duedate is Monday instead of Friday and how my plans for doing the assignment gone all haywired. And all I got from her after I mentioned that I will be going to ahma's the next day was that I better stay home and do the work and not have fun at ahma's then moan and complain to her of undone work at the last minute. Like WHAT THE HELL?!

I think just because it happened so recently and I still remembered how it hurt and angered me that I had stopped telling her things altogether until now.

Don't parents understand their children at all? What is the main priority of parenting? To make sure your kid is fed and stay alive? OR WHAT?!

Sometime last year during the period where people in Facebook make their own quiz about themselves to test how much people know them, I saw how Ah Leng Ah Yi nailed Jasmine's quiz. And this question always comes back to me: will my mother be able to nail those questions of what I love eating, etc, or will relatives and friends' results thrash hers?

Maybe it's until the latter happens, then will she know what I really need, or what she's lacking. Or how she should just let me go ahma's.

Or maybe I'm just overthinking. And PMSing.

But whatever, I need to get a breather(more of crying to my pillow) and the right mood so that I can do my assignments and hand them up on time. HOPEFULLY.

Coming back to yourself

When you complain of people shouting at you frequently, do you think about whether you reciprocate and do it as often as they do?

And when people shout, is it because they are just furious, or is it because they are just trying their best to get their message through you, who doesn't seem to appreciate and understand the meaning behind those words? Or worse off, who don't even listen?

I remembered vividly watching GLEE and they mentioned how Sue Sylvester shouts and was mean to practically everyone except her sister, and the reason is just because her sister was the only one who never shouts in the first place.

Whatever you do, or whatever people around you do to you, sometimes it all just comes back down to how you present yourself in front of these people.

And sometimes, you'll realise you only have yourself to blame.

But as often as I always do when something bad happens, wallowing in self-pity alone, I believe, won't solve the problem. Neither does running away from it will. And instead of just thinking how pathetic you are, why don't you think of the underlying reason behind why things happen? They have a reaosn for happening, you know. And sometimes, you'll find that the main problem is YOU, so CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Easier to say than done, I understand. But trying to live up to what I say will help me become a better person. And I'm still learning from experiences. So I'm thankful.

It's shocking to know how much I have to say just because of one sentence that was carelessly uttered to me recently. And how much emotions it actually get me to write this post. HMMS.